I felt lost! I took a break from blogging, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I fear vulnerability. In fact, I hate it! Vulnerability always meant being undermined, easily taken advantage of and hurt. I had a perfect little comfortable world, where everything was all figured out and I knew for sure that my life was heading in a certain direction. My life made sense, and I could picture almost every aspect. These past few months, however, have been the deep unraveling and debunking of ideologies and beliefs I held so dear. It has been a painful pruning process. A process that rendered me somewhat unfit to share God’s heart on this platform because I needed to heal and grow.
I am pretty sure the content of this blog is clear as soon as you open it. When I started blogging, people told me that I needed to be consistent. To have content that would draw more people and develop my niche. I received a great amount of advice on how to ‘market’ and make it more visible. Which were, and still are, very good things to consider. It seemed pretty viable at the time! It made a lot of sense to work hard to ‘retain’ my readers. But what value would it be without having a deep relationship with God? I never write a post without spending time with God. It’s so much easier writing a post with the Holy Spirit because I get to write about things I never even thought of. The fact is, I’d rather have one or two people transformed and touched through this blog than millions who think that my writing is good or bad. Blogging, to me, is a ministry.
Consequently, these past few months required my silence and meditation as God picked up the broken pieces of my heart and life. I must admit that I wasn’t ‘feeding’ from Him. I couldn’t share what was not within me at that time because I felt empty. I knew and still know that God wants all of me, and these past few months revealed just how much deeper I needed to go in Him. I wish I could say that I am the epitome of perfection, but I am bold enough to admit that I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I just know God’s got me! I came to know and understand how trials can really knock me down, nonetheless, all these situations pointed out my immaturity in the Word and how I couldn’t waste any more time running away from God.
I needed to be resilient, always looking at the positive side of every situation. I shared all this not because I owed anyone an explanation, but because I endeavor to be so real and practical here. I have been meditating on James 1:2-3 which says,
‘Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow’.
It was such a great revelation for me to realize that every single trial and temptation was a chance for my endurance to grow. I think I always knew it, but it is so relevant for me now. In this time, being vulnerable to the right people has not made me fearful, but has helped me grow and be better. I am sure you get the whole point now. Growth was necessary and I had to take a step back to allow the process to take place. I am ecstatic about the fact that I am an imperfect person, qualified and made perfect through Christ. I am back in, stronger and better than ever before. My pastor always reminds me that I owe the world an encounter and love experience with God, I am taking my stand here once again. There’s more to say, but this is sufficient for this moment.